Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
