You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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