I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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