Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
honey bunches of taint.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
