So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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