no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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