Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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