I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
