Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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