So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Dignity is for republicans.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
