His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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