After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
