It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
