Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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