Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
