that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just blew my weed a kiss
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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