I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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