I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
