He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
