just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
