I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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