pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
