So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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