You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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