If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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