Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
