So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
