Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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