this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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