You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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