i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
