Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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