I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
