Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
