Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
