I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
