Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
