Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
