I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
