2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
