If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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