How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
