I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
