It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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