I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Houston, we have a squirter
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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