I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
