Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
