I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
