If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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