it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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